


Phone sex à la Franglaise

by Kammyh



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Brexit, Crack, Dysfunctional Political Relationship, Dysfunctional Relationship, Humor, M/M, Misuse of Politics, Not Beta Read, Phone Sex, Romance, Smut, emmanuel macron - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:02:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24720508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kammyh/pseuds/Kammyh
Summary: France and England have their own way to deal with the Brexit negotiations
Relationships: England/France (Hetalia)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 33





	Phone sex à la Franglaise

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia, I just own an unhealthy devotion to France as a nation and its history. English is not my mother language and neither is French, any constructive criticism is appreciated  
> Warnings: France is going to speak random French because… well, he’s France. No sovereign was harmed in the writing of this story despite the heavy misuse of Politics

“Yes, say that again!” France moaned loudly, frantically working on his hard shaft as he moved his head to the side towards the smartphone he had put on his cushion and from which came the voice that was currently seducing him.

“I don’t want any delay of the transition terms…” England managed to reply, despite his laboured breathing. “Hard Brexit it will be…”

A hoarse groan followed his words as he pleasured himself no differently than France was on the other side of the phone.

“ _A-Angleterre_ … You will be so crushed by the other world economies…” France replied weakly, the sole thought of the line identifying the Sterling on the table of the Pound-Euro exchange ratings plummeting managing to turn him on even more. “And I will be so crushed by Germany because of that, because no one will be able to scare him off anymore and protect my interests…”

France could hear England swallow from the other side of the phone, and allowed himself a smart smirk before finally his lover answered back to his teasing.

“Tell me more about it, France…” England whispered eventually, his voice trembling at the prospect with a desire he was consciously unwilling to admit. “C’mon, don’t leave me hanging like this…”

“I won’t be able to pay my debt to the European Stability Mechanism and Germany will demand my seat together with my money.” France revealed then, biting down on his lower lip as he moved the hand that had been molesting his nipple to grab his smartphone and place it right in front of him, his mouth barely a few inches from the pitch-dark glass. “I’ll be left so powerless in front of his demands that I will be bound to follow his every order, even accepting to unify Europe politically and allow him to get his hands on my precious military force.”

“How would it feel, _Angleterre_?” France continued, weakening the tone of his voice on purpose. “How would it feel to see my nuclear power and my army defenceless in the hands of Germany?”

“Fuck it, France!” England whined, as he decided that the whole situation was unbearably hot and resolved to up the ante, searching among the toys he had brought with him something good to use.

“ _Angleterre_?” France asked doubtfully, hearing England doing something he couldn’t very well place instead of sweet-talking and moaning like he was supposed to.

“I’m back.” England answered after some time, eyeing with satisfaction the dildo he was smearing with lube as he rested once again supine on the bed. “Would you tell me more about you and Germany?”

“Have you a knack for cuckolding that I wasn’t aware about?” France took his chance to tease however. “And here I thought that the worst you could come up with was sadomasochistic phone sex.”

“France!!” England’s angry reprimand came angry and loud, therefore France couldn’t help but chuckle amused at the whole situation despite the excitement he was still feeling.

“Alright, alright. Then, let’s see… Germany will have his pretty harem of subdued Romance nations~” The French nation resumed with the deepest and seductive tone he could muster. “Other than repay the money we allowed him to get fighting European wars in his place, we will also have to bend our economies to his austerity desires~” 

“Oh god, France~” England allowed himself to moan, as he finally let the dildo slide inside himself, his whole body shaking lightly as he began moving it in and out of his body. “If you become the slave of Germany’s economy, you will be even more screwed than you have been until now~”

“Yeah, I will have to throw away my whole social system, the Right wing and the Fascists will get a hold of my country… France will be so utterly screwed, _cheri_ ~” France whispered hotly at the phone, before putting it back on the cushion not far from his ear and use the hand that wasn’t busy masturbating his hard cock to caress his hairy chest, from the shoulders to his abdomen in a reassuring and tantalising manner.

“Me too… I will be so screwed too…” England moaned in between his harsh breathing. “To make up from the export I won’t be allowed to Europe anymore because of uncertified quality, I will have to actually set my bar even lower and compete in price… I will so fall in the hands of the Commies~”

England’s statement managed to pull France slightly down from his high as his nicely trimmed brows furrowed in annoyance. “ _Angleterre_ , that’s not the real problem in all that…”

A mangled chuckle answered France’s quip from the other side of the phone.

“ _You_ tell me the worse of it then~” England replied cheerfully, despite still groaning and moaning in pleasure. “You are the master of designing apocalyptic sceneries...”

“This is your _reality_ not my imagination, _mon cher_ : your Sterling _is_ losing value and you will be bound to import from America.” France offered back, his words managing to excite him once more even though they were supposed to tingle just England’s masochistic side. “Your export will suffer also because you sold the myth of an immigrant-free nation.”

“Without immigrants to make you competitive,” France continued, somehow satisfied and confused by the reactions of his own body to those words. “You will just have to strip your own people from their rights and you won’t have any more money to pay the welfare…”

“And that would put the Commies in power~” England couldn’t help himself from pointing out, despite keeping the movement of his hands still up to pleasure himself. “You see? I was right.”

“Shortage of medicine, food and work rights I think it’s _the_ problem.” France countered irritably.

“ _You_ put amongst your future problems the Right wing winning.”

“The Capitalism is _the_ problem, Communists aren’t.”

“That’s _your_ point of view.”

“You learned nothing from this pandemic! I hate you.” France snapped eventually, forsaking himself for consorting with someone as unreasonable as England was.

“Thanks for going back to the whole point of this phone call.” England replied, however, the slight trembling of his voice making France come to the conclusion that also the conversation they had just had was well in the realm of what satisfied England’s sadomasochistic pleasures.

France just rolled his eyes, then, and attempted to focus back on what they were doing: namely tease one another for sex and not for the sake of it.

“What about a life of Chlorinated Chicken from the US in your future?” France offered then, deeming the moan that followed coming from England a success into dragging definitively his lover back to the mood.

“Only if there will be no more fishing on my national waters for you~” England countered, earning a whimper from France as he resumed working hard on his cock and pinched his nipple hard at the thought of such a shame.

“I’ll refuse to sell you my medicines, then, and you will be left in the hands of America’s speculative pharmaceutics to give you expensive and unreliable drugs.” France decided to up the ante, his mouth opened wide as he attempted to have more air filling his lungs. “You will have to definitively say goodbye to your NHS, and when Covid19 will strike back you will be without anything to fight it, even though the most promising vaccine is from Oxford...”

“More… France…” England pleaded, working furiously on his cock as he pushed the dildo in and out of himself in time with his hand. “Please~”

“Scotland will push from independence and Wales and Northern Ireland will follow…” France moaned, the idea actually effecting him more than he would have thought and sending him almost over the edge. “It will be the end of the United Kingdom~”

“And… of France~” England managed to breathe out eventually, beginning to completely lose focus of his surroundings and of what he was saying. “If we won't come to one another's rescue, I'll be submitted to America’s economic will, you to Germany’s~ The former owners of the world will fall apart and crumble-”

“Fuck it, _Angleterre_!” France breathed out as he came as hard as he hadn’t had in a long while, at the same time as England moaned his name on the other side of the phone, coming along with him.

They both had just had the time to come down from their highs, however, that someone moved from knocking loudly at the door of France’s apartment in Paris to open it with the key.

“Fuck it, _he_ made a copy of my keys!” France blurted out as he pushed himself back on his feet to get his and England’s robes from the nearby armchair. He hastily put on his tricoloured one and heard “You are an idiot!” coming from his phone before he decided he had better shutting it off.

France eventually had just the time to reach the guest room and throw inside England’s Union Jack robe, before Macron slammed the door open and stomped angrily right in front of his nation with his phone tight in his hand.

“What the fuck were you both doing with your phones busy for a whole hour!?” The French president demanded, staring back angrily at his nation.

“We were… on the phone?”

“The _both_ of you? For a _whole_ hour??” The politician yelled, making France swallow in guilt.

“Where the hell is _he_?” A third angry voice came from Macron’s phone, sounding much too British for France’s likings and therefore making it obvious who he was calling for.

England, then, took his chance to get out from the guest room and silently retrieve the phone from the French politician’s hands, without even daring to stare up at the two Frenchmen before closing himself once again inside the room from which he had come out.

“Why was your _husband_ inside the _guest_ room?” Macron asked accusatorily, his neat eyebrows rising suspiciously as France’s just furrowed in apprehension. “Is this a new way to put Brexit into action? Are you finally divorcing?”

“We’ve been… discussing the finest point of the debate.” France answered uncertainly, looking at everything that wasn’t his president. “Michel had just adjourned us.”

“You were discussing those… on the phone.”

“ _Oui_?”

“You live together.”

“ _Oui_ , I mean… I can explain-”

Despite France’s words, a long moment of silence followed, a long moment in which the French president was obviously counting in his head to four times twenty and ten not to end up harming his nation in a fit of rage.

“You were having phone sex. On the Brexit negotiations.” He eventually stated, knowing that France couldn’t really refute the obvious.

“It’s not really a crime, you know…” France could only admit, earning Macron’s resigned sigh for it.

Right that moment England exited once again the guest room to return the phone to Macron and then partially hide behind his lover.

“We’re sorry.” He offered for good measure, easily guessing that France had given up and admitted everything to his sovereign.

“Are you _really_?” Macron asked, eyeing the two nations with extreme disappointment.

France and England shared a glance and shrugged, before France decided to admit candidly “Not really. I mean, it’s obvious that seeing the other crushed would give us a boner.”

“I thought your personal point was crushing one another, not being crushed by other nations!” Macron countered outraged.

“Well, now.” France pointed out. “Why did _we_ put Michel to deal for Europe on the Brexit negotiations? Because it won’t be _Europe_ sending England to his subjugation, _we_ will.”

“Yeah. And when it will happen and because of it France will get crushed by Germany, it would have been _us_ that caused it, leaving you alone to deal with him.” England confirmed just as easily, much to Macron’s dismay. “It’s a win-win deal despite the disaster about to come for the both of us.”

“ _This_ is why Michel isn’t getting anything done: you are willing to let Brexit crush the both of you just to have the chance to say that you had your hand in the other’s demise! This is insane!”

“I didn’t really though that would be news to you.” England pointed out, rising a surprised bushy eyebrow to the Frenchman.

Macron then decided to give up on the debate, shook his head at the two nations and just headed back to where he had come from.

“Just, keep your phone free for the time being. We have too many things to deal with already without having you two on the menu.” He demanded, taking care to slam the door behind himself before the two nations could answer him.

“Well, it went well.” France offered to his husband as soon as they were once again finally alone.

“The sex? It was fantastic. The aftermath? Not quite.” England quipped annoyed. “By the way, I managed to refuse going back to the United Kingdom only pointing out that it would mean leaving me quarantined fourteen days with you before I could actually set foot on the island.”

“Would I’ve been supposed to come along with you?”

“Would you have refused fourteen days of quarantine with me?” England pointed out, honestly giving France a fair point in favour of his assumptions.

“You know that I would never refuse another quarantine with you~” France chirped cheerfully, before finally turning towards his husband to take his hands in his and kiss him warmly on the lips. “Despite the consequences, this Brexit really is making me feel like a teenager again. You’re so fascinating with your Sterling down another twenty points and your welfare crushed down to ashes because of your own stupid decisions~”

“I feel the same.” England answered, staring up at him with eyes full of love. “The idiocy behind your stupid agreements and your ability to end up always on the losing side of the negotiations –and without any fish- are so charming that I don’t know what I would do without you in my life. Probably rule the world~”

Both nations leaned one towards one another for one final kiss, before England parted from France’s hold in order to get back to the guest room and retrieve the case of toys he had brought with himself at the beginning of their tryst.

“ _Angleterre_?” France asked surprised.

“Brexit phone sex is nice, but I wouldn’t mind some well needed cuddles after that and the reprimands of our sovereigns.” England explained as he took France’s hand in his to lead him back towards their room. “And who knows, we could also have proper sex after we have recovered enough to make it through~”

“I don’t mind the proposition~” France answered cheerfully, tightening his hold on England’s hand. “After all, wanting to see the other crushed has always been good as foreplay, but after that we’ve always come to one another’s rescue… That’s the main course.”

“Yep. This time again, like we’ve always done… If we will be able to act quickly enough, that is.”

France laughed at his words and took his chance to steal the box of toys from England’s hands to rush forward towards their room, stopping only a moment before entering to smile back at his lover.

“You’ve better hurry up then, or I’ll start the post Brexit fun without you~” That said, France disappeared inside the room, leaving an astonished England behind.

As soon as he got over the surprise, however, England couldn’t help but to simply laugh at France’s antics and follow him inside, hoping that the _post disaster prospect_ his lover was promising him was actually as interesting as it had always turned out to be.

**The end**


End file.
